The Honeymoon’s Over
When the emotional abuse turns physical
Day 13 of Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
October is Domestic Violence Awareness Month. In this series, I am sharing my real-life experience of how I nearly lost my life. While I saw the red flags, I didn’t trust my intuition enough to leave before it was too late.
For the first 12 days of October I outlined the subtle signs of an abusive personality. If you recognize these behaviors in a partner or loved one, the best thing to do is go no-contact with that person before it escalates to physical violence.
Today, we talk about how finding yourself in an emotionally abusive situation can be a slippery slope that can lead to life-threatening physical abuse.
In my Book, Entangled In Blue, I explain how I found myself in an abusive marriage that nearly killed me. I left, but leaving nearly ruined my life. Knowing the signs of an abusive personality and getting out early before it escalates to physical violence is the only way to protect you or your loved one from falling victim to this highly lethal dynamic before it is too late.
August 16, 2017, Fuquay-Varina, NC Police Station
I was at the police station, questioned by the police officer after Justin shot a gun in front of our two children, the bullet came within inches of my head.
“When was the first time he hit you?” She asked. I was shocked. How did she know he hit me?
“June 11, 2005,” I answered.
“You know the exact date?” she asked, “From that long ago?” she confirmed.
“Yeah, it was exactly a week after we were married. We just got back from our honeymoon.”
“Where’d you go?” She asked.
“Saint Lucia”
“How was that?” the officer asked.
“I thought it was odd that he would rather go deep-sea fishing alone than spend time with me.” I pointed out.
“You didn’t want to go fishing?” she asked.
“I would have loved to have gone! He said it was too much money, and we could only afford for one of us to go. We had plenty of money, though! We both had great jobs then, no kids, no debt; yet in his eyes, we never had enough money, so I always had to go without.”
“What’d you do while he was fishing?” She asked.
“Well, I thought about getting a spa treatment or something, but I didn’t dare ask because it costs just as much as his fishing trip.”
“Why were you afraid to ask?” the officer asked.
“I didn’t want to start an argument, especially on our honeymoon. You know?” I said, nodding my head. She shook her head in pity while writing down what I was saying.
“So, what’d you end up doing?”
“I just went and had breakfast. It was depressing because I realized once I sat down that I was the only one eating by myself. All the other couples in the dining room were eating together. They all were enjoying each other’s company! It made me lose my appetite. I just walked on the beach for a while, but even that was lonely and boring, so I returned to the room and slept until he returned.”
“In the middle of the day, was this something you would normally do?” She asked.
“No, not at all. I guess I was pretty depressed.
June 11, 2005, Hamburg, NY, 7 pm
When we returned home, our friend’s band was playing, so we went to see them. Most of the people there were also at our wedding. It was like an extension of our reception. Everyone cheered as we walked in and congratulated us. The band announced that we had just gotten married and welcomed us home from our honeymoon! People were handing us drinks all night. The drink special that night at the bar was Tattoo Rum and Red Bull, so we both probably drank a lot of those. I don’t recommend it. Excessive amounts of alcohol and taurine are not a good combination.
At one point, I sat at the bar, talking with a few friends. The next thing I knew, an enormous bouncer came up behind me! He held my arms behind my back, lifted me from my bar stool, and started pushing me toward the door! I had no idea what was happening, and I struggled to get loose from his grip because he was hurting me. I was in horrible pain as he dragged me forward by stretching my arms behind my back. Then he threw me out the door. I landed on my hip and elbow. Justin was already out there.
“You have 10 seconds to leave, or I’m going to call the police!” The owner yelled from the door.
“Go ahead. I didn’t do anything wrong!” I yelled back.
“He did!” The owner pointed at Justin.
“What does that have to do with me?” I asked as I approached the door.
“You married him!” The owner yelled as he went back inside.
The Bouncer at the door blocked me from entering. “You need to leave before the police show up.” The Bouncer said.
“I’d love to tell the police how I was minding my own business and then was violently thrown out!” I said.
“Good luck with that.” The Bouncer said. Neither of us was in any condition to drive, but we somehow managed to make it home.
The next thing I remember is that we were at home. I was still confused and asked Justin what happened. I was asking quite loudly and dramatically. My adrenaline was still pumping from what happened, and I’m sure the Red Bull intensified it too! The next thing I knew, Justin pushed me onto our kitchen floor. He held me down with one hand and repeatedly punched me in the chin with his other fist. “My jaw!” I remember yelling. He stopped punching me, held his knee to my chest, and used both hands to strangle me! I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was going to die. There was no way to fight back. He completely overpowered me. All I could do was look into his eyes. His light green eyes looked dark black. I thought it was due to my loss of oxygen. I just stared up at him defiantly, refusing to submit in spirit. I could tell that bothered him. He knew I had already given up the physical fight, but I could tell that wasn’t enough for him. He stared back at me while he strangled me, and I knew in that moment that if I wasn’t defiant, he might let go. I felt like he wanted me to give up on life emotionally. Like he wanted to break my spirit, but I refused. Then I saw spots, and my eyes started to close. At some point, he must have given up and let go.
I don’t know how long I was lying there on the kitchen floor. When I opened my eyes, he was gone, but somehow, I knew he was in our room. I thought he might have gone in there to get his gun! I knew it wasn’t safe to be in the house. It took everything in my power to get up off the kitchen floor. I went next door to my mom’s house. I hysterically showed her the marks forming on my neck and chin. I asked her to call the police.
August 16, 2017, Fuquay-Varina, NC Police Station
“Did she call the police?” the officer asked.
“No, she glared at me coldly and did nothing but wait for me to calm down, as I was hysterical.”
“You’re married now.” Mom finally said after I stopped crying. She spoke to me like she did when I was a toddler after a tantrum, and it caused me to feel dizzy and nauseous. “You chose this life. You took a vow. You need to go back to your husband. Your father and I spent a lot of money on your wedding, and the ink on your marriage license isn’t even dry. You made your bed, now you need to sleep in it.”
“Why didn’t you just call the police yourself?” the officer asked.
“I don’t know! I totally could have, but the thought never crossed my mind! I let my mom convince me to go back home. To my relief, Justin was passed out when I arrived home, so I went straight to bed. The next day, Justin claimed he didn’t remember what happened but couldn’t deny the bruises. He apologized. I still have no idea why I was violently thrown out of the venue the night before.
“I insulted the manager.” That was all Justin said. “I asked her who she blew to be promoted to manager.” Conveniently, he remembered that and seemed proud of how clever the insult was, but didn’t remember beating and strangling me.
“She and I went through the same hospitality program!” I pointed out, now equally as insulted as she was.
“It seemed like the right thing to say at the time.” He shrugged his shoulders with no remorse.
“What does that have to do with me?” I asked. “Why was I so violently thrown out?”
“Well, everyone knew we just got married. ‘They must have thrown you out with me.” He answered.
“It didn’t make any sense. I went to work wearing a turtleneck in June and told my staff I had dental work done to explain the bruises on my chin.”
